Parents adopt with the intention of providing a nurturing home for a child. They play a crucial and complex role in the child’s life. They walk a tight rope between making the child feel a natural part of the family, yet respecting their biological differences. It is an extremely rewarding experience, but comes with challenges.
This is particularly true for the parents of adopted teens. Defining who you are typically starts by understanding where you came from. For an adopted teenager, the process of defining themselves based on their adoptive family and biological family can cause confusion.
The following are 10 parenting tips to support your teen adoptee:
1. Be comfortable with your role as an adoptive parent.
It’s important for parents to cope with their own feelings related to being an adoptive parent. This may involve grieving the loss of the expectation or dream to have a biological child. When the grief is not dealt with appropriately it can have a negative effect on a parent’s relationship with their adopted teen.
2. Understand the identity stage.
Adolescence is a developmental phase focused around identity. You may recall your own teen years and the obstacles you faced in discovering who you are. This obviously becomes complicated for the adopted teen who may not know who they are biologically connected to. Imagine looking in the mirror and not knowing who you look like. Understanding this phase will help you better understand what your teen is experiencing.
3. Keep an open dialogue.
The topic of adoption should not be a onetime discussion. As children go through different developmental stages they will have different questions related to their adoption. It is important they know it is safe to express these curiosities with their parent.
4. Be honest and age appropriate.
Teenager’s are smarter than they are often given credit for. Be sure to be honest about their adoption. Lying will eventually damage a trusting relationship. Let their questions be a guide to what they are ready to know.
5. Celebrate adoption.
Your child’s adoption was a very special day in their life whether it was at child birth or later. Find ways to celebrate the day they were adopted.
6. Honor your teen’s ethnic background.
It is especially important in multicultural adoptions to incorporate your teen’s ethnicity in their lives. This could include holiday traditions, education, traditional foods, art, travel, etc. This effort will help them find a sense of belonging in the world around them.
7. Allow your teen to define the role of their biological parents.
Some adoptees want to know everything about their biological parents and other do not want to know anything about them. Give them freedom to decide how they will define that part of their existence. Don’t be offended if your teen declares he has two sets of parents (one biological and the other adoptive). If this makes you uncomfortable, refer back to tip #1.
8. Be aware of feelings of abandonment.
Adopted teen’s sometimes feel a strong sense of abandonment from their biological parents. They may worry their adopted parents will abandon them too. Unfortunately, they are too immature to express this in a reasonable or healthy manner. Instead they may act out to test if you will leave them. Any suggestions of sending them off to a relative or boarding school may be interpreted as another abandonment and escalate the negative behavior.
9. Show empathy without lowering expectations.
If your teen is having a difficult time coping with adoption, it is appropriate to be nurturing, loving, and empathetic. However, it is not appropriate to lower your expectations of good behavior. No matter how difficult their past has been it is not acceptable to turn to drugs, violence, or other delinquent behavior. Your teen needs you to love them enough to set clear boundaries and believe in their ability to make good decisions.
10. Seek support when needed.
Your family is not alone in the challenges faced by adoptive families. Help is available! Support can include individual, family, or group counseling for parents and teens. Not everyone understands the complexity of adoptions. When seeking help, be sure to find a professional who is trained and educated in the area of adoptions.
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