Helping Others Help You: Grief and Loss During the Holidays

Loss can mean different things to different people. While it is uncommon to find someone who has not experienced some form of loss in their own life, it is unrealistic to think that any one person knows exactly what another is experiencing. Loss is individual and your needs are unique.

It is natural for others to want to “help” you through this time in your life and while their intentions are good sometimes they struggle with delivery. It is natural, as a comforter of someone who is experiencing loss, to often feel unsure of how to act or what to say. Often comforters feel desperate in their search for the “right thing” to do or say and find themselves trying different things or approaches; which in turn can be difficult for you to receive.

This is why it can be highly beneficial for you to begin practicing honest and assertive communication. Not only can this be beneficial for you but it will also help your family and friends support you in a more effective way. If you are not sure how to approach others with these ideas, you can either share a link to this webpage or you can copy and paste the tips and simply share them by saying “I truly appreciate your desire to help and support me during this time, here are some things that I would like you to know but I have had difficulty expressing” and then paste the tips and share via email or on a printed paper.

Keep in mind all of these ideas or needs might not apply to you. You can pick and choose ones that are applicable or use it as a springboard to create your own:

• Please still talk about my loved one / ______________ at holiday gatherings.
• Listen quietly, let me talk about my loved one and share memories. You can respond naturally by joining in if you share the memory or simply experience the memory with me.
• If I am sad, let me be sad. Do not try to cheer me up. It’s important for me to feel the emotions I am feeling, even though this is considered a season of “cheer.”
• Instead of asking me “how are you doing” try to ask me more specific questions or use a statement such as “I don’t want to ignore how you are feeling or what you might need, so just know that if you need anything please know I am here for you.”
• I know that you might feel unsure of how to support me or what to say, I also feel unsure of how to act around you or how to best express my grief and all of these feelings are normal.
• Sometimes it may appear that I’m functioning fine and that I’m doing well. Understand that outward appearances can be deceiving.
• Please don’t make comments about next year being better or time healing my wounds; my concerns are focused on the here and now.
• Understand that I might not be able to do everything I used to do in holidays past, but don’t hesitate to invite me to holiday events anyway.
• You don’t have to “act” somber or sad during holiday events or gatherings that I am a part of. 
• Let me cry if I need to. You don’t have to say anything—just be there for me.
• Understand that grief can go on for a number of years or come and go at different times. There is no established time limit. Please don’t make judgments about how long it’s taking me to grieve.
• Other ideas:______________

Simply sharing some or all of these ideas can be helpful for you and your comforters. However, seeking professional counseling can also be beneficial for you and your loved ones at any point throughout your journey. Please do not hesitate to reach out for help if needed.

Written By: Emily E. Tonn, RMHCI @ Pamper Your Mind, LLC