Over
the past 10 years, during the Oprah and Dr. Phil craze, many of you have
probably heard the hype about the importance of forgiveness. Everyone including rape victims, child abuse
victims, and spouses of marital infidelity were encouraged to forgive their
perpetrators. The forgiveness was considered
part of healing the victim's soul and letting go of accrued anger. It was considered necessary to move forward
with a peace of mind.
For a long time I personally struggled to adopt this concept. After hearing some of the horrific trauma's others suffered as a result of another human beings intentional actions, I couldn't accept someone had to forgive such cruelty. It wasn't until I heard someone (unfortunately, I cannot recall who) once define forgiveness as "forgiveness is accepting the past couldn't be any different than it is" that I could grasp the benefit of this whole idea. This specific definition internally fit for me when I thought about letting go of anger and granting forgiveness. It became immediately clear to me that being able to forgive someone, included personally defining forgiveness.
One of my previous clients, Tessa, had a childhood interrupted with 18 years of emotional and physical abuse and neglect from her mother. She was a mature adult when she came to my office and was understandably struggling with her personal relationships and parenthood. Tessa acknowledged she was guarded and an overall pessimistic woman. She was very insightful and clearly understood her issues were directly tied to the anger she held towards her mother. Her childhood memories were so horrific; she could barely discuss them without feeling ill.
Previously, I would have never dreamed of suggesting Tessa forgive her mother. However, I now believe there is a bigger picture to consider. How can Tessa carry on a fulfilling life with so much anger within her soul? Why should Tessa have to continue suffering from her mother's poor parenting? How can you let go of anger without forgiving?
My initial work with Tessa was focused around building empathy for her mother's behavior. It's important not to confuse sympathy with empathy. Empathy is not agreeing, approving, or feeling bad of an individual, but having an understanding of where there negative behavior stems from. The client was able to identify her mother had a traumatic childhood herself and most likely struggled with some untreated mental health disorders. With this information the client was able to understand that most of her mother's thinking and logic were irrational. Part of building empathy, at times, is accepting, regardless of how many angles you look at a memory, you can't rationalize irrational behavior.
The next stage of work was assisting Tessa in depersonalizing her mother's negative behavior. Although we are often impacted by other's negativity, it is never personal. In other words, others make negative choices as a direct result of their own personal issues, NOT because of who you are personally. This is a particularly difficult concept to grasp for people who have been victims of childhood abuse. It is natural for children to automatically blame themselves for external circumstances. As predicted, Tessa struggled with depersonalizing her mother's abuse and neglect. It wasn't until I pointed out how Tessa’s mother failed to have any healthy relationships in her life that Tessa begun to consider it wasn’t about her personally. Tessa was able to identify multiple relationships her mother had destroyed. She was eventually able to accept the fact that her mother didn't know how to love her or anyone.
Once Tessa was able to empathize and depersonalize her mother's behavior, I slowly introduced the concept of forgiveness. It took some time, but she eventually wrote a letter to her mother forgiving her for robbing her of a childhood. Tessa specified in the letter she was not o.k. with her mother's choices, but she recognized there was no going back and changing the past. Tessa stated she could understand where the negativity came from, but disapproved of the way her mother chose to cope with her own personal issues. Tessa declared she would no longer struggle to understand why her mother chose not to cope in a healthier manner or any other irrational decisions she had made along the way. Tessa said she would never look back on her past and not be hurt, but was ready to let go of the anger. She acknowledged the anger was not changing the circumstances, but just continuing to cause her to suffer. Tessa stated she was no longer going to give her mother the power to cause her pain and suffering.
Note, this statement of forgiveness was a slow process over several months. It most certainly did not occur over night. Tessa never gave the letter to her mother and continued to uphold healthy boundaries with mother (no longer allowing her mother in her life). Her mother had not ever displayed any indication of getting help or changing her behavior. Therefore, the purpose of the letter was not to rekindle the relationship with her mother, but strictly for Tessa to free herself of the haunting anger that was intoxicating her current relationships.
This is a very extreme and challenging example of forgiveness. Regardless of the severity of your own personal experiences, letting go of resentment towards someone who has hurt you is difficult. If you become faced with this challenge, I would encourage you to not dwell on how hard it is to let go of resentment, but how hard it is to live with. The benefits of forgiveness by far outweigh the cost of not forgiving.
For a long time I personally struggled to adopt this concept. After hearing some of the horrific trauma's others suffered as a result of another human beings intentional actions, I couldn't accept someone had to forgive such cruelty. It wasn't until I heard someone (unfortunately, I cannot recall who) once define forgiveness as "forgiveness is accepting the past couldn't be any different than it is" that I could grasp the benefit of this whole idea. This specific definition internally fit for me when I thought about letting go of anger and granting forgiveness. It became immediately clear to me that being able to forgive someone, included personally defining forgiveness.
One of my previous clients, Tessa, had a childhood interrupted with 18 years of emotional and physical abuse and neglect from her mother. She was a mature adult when she came to my office and was understandably struggling with her personal relationships and parenthood. Tessa acknowledged she was guarded and an overall pessimistic woman. She was very insightful and clearly understood her issues were directly tied to the anger she held towards her mother. Her childhood memories were so horrific; she could barely discuss them without feeling ill.
Previously, I would have never dreamed of suggesting Tessa forgive her mother. However, I now believe there is a bigger picture to consider. How can Tessa carry on a fulfilling life with so much anger within her soul? Why should Tessa have to continue suffering from her mother's poor parenting? How can you let go of anger without forgiving?
My initial work with Tessa was focused around building empathy for her mother's behavior. It's important not to confuse sympathy with empathy. Empathy is not agreeing, approving, or feeling bad of an individual, but having an understanding of where there negative behavior stems from. The client was able to identify her mother had a traumatic childhood herself and most likely struggled with some untreated mental health disorders. With this information the client was able to understand that most of her mother's thinking and logic were irrational. Part of building empathy, at times, is accepting, regardless of how many angles you look at a memory, you can't rationalize irrational behavior.
The next stage of work was assisting Tessa in depersonalizing her mother's negative behavior. Although we are often impacted by other's negativity, it is never personal. In other words, others make negative choices as a direct result of their own personal issues, NOT because of who you are personally. This is a particularly difficult concept to grasp for people who have been victims of childhood abuse. It is natural for children to automatically blame themselves for external circumstances. As predicted, Tessa struggled with depersonalizing her mother's abuse and neglect. It wasn't until I pointed out how Tessa’s mother failed to have any healthy relationships in her life that Tessa begun to consider it wasn’t about her personally. Tessa was able to identify multiple relationships her mother had destroyed. She was eventually able to accept the fact that her mother didn't know how to love her or anyone.
Once Tessa was able to empathize and depersonalize her mother's behavior, I slowly introduced the concept of forgiveness. It took some time, but she eventually wrote a letter to her mother forgiving her for robbing her of a childhood. Tessa specified in the letter she was not o.k. with her mother's choices, but she recognized there was no going back and changing the past. Tessa stated she could understand where the negativity came from, but disapproved of the way her mother chose to cope with her own personal issues. Tessa declared she would no longer struggle to understand why her mother chose not to cope in a healthier manner or any other irrational decisions she had made along the way. Tessa said she would never look back on her past and not be hurt, but was ready to let go of the anger. She acknowledged the anger was not changing the circumstances, but just continuing to cause her to suffer. Tessa stated she was no longer going to give her mother the power to cause her pain and suffering.
Note, this statement of forgiveness was a slow process over several months. It most certainly did not occur over night. Tessa never gave the letter to her mother and continued to uphold healthy boundaries with mother (no longer allowing her mother in her life). Her mother had not ever displayed any indication of getting help or changing her behavior. Therefore, the purpose of the letter was not to rekindle the relationship with her mother, but strictly for Tessa to free herself of the haunting anger that was intoxicating her current relationships.
This is a very extreme and challenging example of forgiveness. Regardless of the severity of your own personal experiences, letting go of resentment towards someone who has hurt you is difficult. If you become faced with this challenge, I would encourage you to not dwell on how hard it is to let go of resentment, but how hard it is to live with. The benefits of forgiveness by far outweigh the cost of not forgiving.
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